The drive home I was completely shot, however I kept replaying the last 4 words Sayeed said, and I knew it would make all the difference.
Those were the last words from my final blog entry, a few days over 4 years ago. Since then so much has happened; I fell in love a few times, got heartbroken/broke some hearts a few times, built quite a name for myself as a promoter in the NYC house music scene; and lastly almost lost my life after what I hope was the worst mental breakdown I will ever have to endure.
Reading my last blog entry I am filled with many emotions; however the 2 emotions that seem to radiate the loudest right now are wonder and pride.
Wonder – I wonder what happened to me after that day that prevented me from writing another entry… Did I get too self consumed? Did I overwhelm myself with far too many projects to drown out the pain I had buried deep inside? Most likely a combination of MANY factors; 1 of them most definitely being the rapid cycling of what is the polarity of the human brain, where the lines between mysticism and realism are ever bending.
Pride – Pride in the fact that even though it has been 4 years since I gave my word to write this entry, and even though there are infinite reasons (or maybe “excuses”) as to why to never blog again, here we are… continuing in the dance of LIFE!
Thursday was shaping up to be a great night. It was roughly 3 months since I purchased a couple of tickets to see Beethoven concert by Fever, called Candlelight Concerts. It was to be a small group of us, including a dear friend/mentor of mine, a girl I have known for close to 5 years, as well as a few others. For many various reasons by the day of the actual event not 1 other person was able to attend; so I was left with a choice, cancel on the whole thing or just go solo and enjoy… Thankfully I picked the latter, and was even able to help sell a few of the tickets to a kind couple who happen to have a brilliant son with a burning passion for education and music.
Photo uploaded from @candlelight.concerts at Jungle Island
Upon arrival I was absolutely blown away, the staff were so welcoming, the space was so large, and to my surprise the whole event was staged to hold less than 100 people. I took my seat (to my knowledge I was the only person there that was solo), and was instantly reminded of “oh so many” solo experiences while in S.E. Asia many years ago. The event started with an introduction from one of the violinists, and the music began. I closed my eyes and let every chord hit me, if anyone were to look my way I can truly only imagine what they must have thought. A few educated guesses would be that I was either really feeling the music, blind as a bat, or completely “whacked out” as another friend of mine likes to say LOL.
As the night progressed, the sun began to settle, the music got metaphysically louder… Orrrrr maybe they just turned the speakers up? Nevertheless, I was utterly enveloped in every single chord. All thoughts of the past, and all stress of the future seemed to have instantly diminish as I was thrusted into the present moment. As you can imagine, I knew that night was already going to be one to remember, however I didn’t know just how special it was going to be until the Violinist Anne spoke. She began to speak about Quartet Opus 132 , how it was written by a 56 year old lonely Beethoven, hard of hearing and nearing the end of of a triumvirate career. This was after hearing the story about Quarter Op. 95; in which a 40’s Beethoven, longing for love and meaning stayed steadfast in his apartment, during a pandemic, while Napoleon was bombing the city around him… WOW!! If that didn’t set the tone for the Sonata, the next words out of her mouth most definitely did.
Anne began to talk about the passing of her Grandfather, less than 24 hours prior to this very night. The entire crowd sat silent as she began to speak about the close bond her and her grandfather shared; as I listened I could not help but think to myself “What bravery it must take, not only to continue with her passion so soon after a tragic loss, but to also be able to be so vulnerable to open up to a room full of strangers.” As I slowly came back to reality and regained focus on what she was saying, I heard her say how “the light is coming, its almost over for us, and soon life will be back to happiness”. At first I was unsure as to what exactly she meant, until I realized she was speaking to us about the Covid-19 pandemic, a pandemic that has most likely affected us (both good and bad hopefully) in our own personal ways.
Photo uploaded from http://www.annechicheportiche.com
As I closed my eyes after hearing the beautiful dedication to her grandfather I tried to imagine Beethoven, searching for love, creating music to heal himself and others during a complete nightmare, and lastly Ana’s Grandfather; and how special he must have been to her. Tears of joy (as well as tears of the re-realization that I believe many of us experience from time to time) began to rush down my faces; and that re-realization is that we are never alone. I thanked God for granting me another day and another experience as transcending as this, as I slowly opened my eyes I was shocked to find the night sky a bit more dark, and the candles a bit more bright.
It warms my heart to be posting this today, as today marks 6 years since my father’s hard/beautiful/tragic fight against cancer has ended, as well as day 1 of recovery for my Stepmom Robin’s emergency brain surgery (hang in there Robin!). I would like to thank everyone that has come into my life these past 4 plus years. I hope I can keep (at least some of) the vows that I have yet to see through. I hope we can all continue to strive towards power in our own personal ways… power over our own complex and confusing brain. Lastly I hope we never forget to Shut Up and Dance (both physically and metaphysically) when it seems as if all hope is lost.
““Death smiles at us all; all a man can do is smile back.”
-Marcus Aurelius Antoninus; Roman Emperor, Stoic Philosopher, and last of the “Five Good Emperors”.